grumble, grumble

Today I need to face some anxieties about "business in the home." Tricky stuff, this hiring someone to help you out with the stuff that you should be able to do on your own. And the shame that brings on makes things harder.

I'm suck terribly at housekeeping and all things domestic. And I'm trying to come to terms with that tremendous failing but am sucking at that, as well.

About 4 years ago, when Sarah was in the hospital a tremendous amountI hired on a lot of help as I was unable to be both at the hospital and at home with Cash, then 13 months old. It was a crazy scene.

Over time I certainly don't need that much help. It's been a tremendous luxury, though!

Now my help is asking for situations and monetary compensation that I just can't afford-nor do I want to spend! And the awkwardness around my avoiding the subject is bringing some negative energy into the home that I so carefully craft (haha).

So today I must pull myself up by my bootstrings and face the stomach churning.... It's time to tell her that we need to part ways. The woman who helped me with my babies and knows many of the nuances and intimacies of my home and family. It's hard.

The Big Picture

We have a lot of collections around here. As a matter of fact, Cash correctly identified himself as someone who likes to "accumulate" while watching Pinky Dinky Doo the other day. (Thanks for the vocab lessons, Pinky- cue the horn.) He has also leaked to his teachers the snarky things I've told him in my moments of frustration. Ms. Adriana and Ms. Lisa now know that I've told him that he's going to be on the t.v. show called "Hoarders" someday.

This is a kid who brought his trash home from school lunch everyday. The only time he really got in trouble was when he screamed "NOOOOOO!" because his sweet teacher threw away his empty chocolate milk box. He gets upset when I put boxes and plastic containers in the recycle bin because he can use them for his "machines." And GOD FORBID we should ever try to give toys to charity. Bad, bad idea.

Now as much as I get incredibly frustrated with these tendencies, I also have to tell you that I find them incredibly endearing. My son is quirky- there is no doubt. But he is also incredibly sentimental.... and it shows up in his inability to give up the old. Letting go of things, people, and even the day sometimes is excrutiating for him.

Cash had two major changes last year. The first was that we moved from our old house to the one next door. (I know, I know.... incredibly curious behavior.) The second was that his best buddy, Kirk, moved across the country. Fortunately, he had no other life events, remained at the same school, and had the same wonderful teacher for both grades because I don't thing his little psyche could have withstood any more.

I was completely unprepared for how unglued this would all make him. How attached could a 4 year old be to a little playgroup friend? I should have known.

Matt was shocked when Kirk pulled away from the curb and Cash literally broke down wailing for three hours. We both shed a tear just watching him so upset. And while I thought this wound would scab over, he is still heartbroken. When Cash has a few peaceful moments, he'll quietly say that "it isn't fair that Kirk lives so far away." Or "I wonder what Kirk is doing right now?" Cash mails Kirk things and asks me to take pics that I can text to Shannon, my buddy and Kirk's mom. And when I gave him a surprise trip to go see Kirk this Spring, it literally rendered him speechless. The boys fell immediately right back into their little world- even after 9 months. I've been pretty shocked that the preschooler can hold on to such a sweet bond.

But I shouldn't have been. My quirky little tender hearted hoarder has trouble letting go of the things and people that are so precious to him. I love that dearly.

Now if I could figure out how to teach him that collecting "nature" like roly polies might actually be harmful. Nature belongs with nature.... but that's another post.