grumble, grumble

Today I need to face some anxieties about "business in the home." Tricky stuff, this hiring someone to help you out with the stuff that you should be able to do on your own. And the shame that brings on makes things harder.

I'm suck terribly at housekeeping and all things domestic. And I'm trying to come to terms with that tremendous failing but am sucking at that, as well.

About 4 years ago, when Sarah was in the hospital a tremendous amountI hired on a lot of help as I was unable to be both at the hospital and at home with Cash, then 13 months old. It was a crazy scene.

Over time I certainly don't need that much help. It's been a tremendous luxury, though!

Now my help is asking for situations and monetary compensation that I just can't afford-nor do I want to spend! And the awkwardness around my avoiding the subject is bringing some negative energy into the home that I so carefully craft (haha).

So today I must pull myself up by my bootstrings and face the stomach churning.... It's time to tell her that we need to part ways. The woman who helped me with my babies and knows many of the nuances and intimacies of my home and family. It's hard.